It's the 15th of the month again. It doesn't really matter which month because the 15th of every month is exactly the same. I wake up and enjoy my morning cup of coffee while wistfully looking at my bank account, imagining that for one moment the money that's been deposited into my account for all my hard work is actually mine to keep. I spend that solitary moment sipping my coffee and dreaming about the nice new car I'm going to need within the year, the well deserved vacations I would love to take, the many graduate schools I may someday like to attend, and mostly I imagine my empty savings account filled with surplus funds for emergencies and my future. This moment of day dreaming is fleeting because shortly there after I finish my cup of coffee and begin that daunting process that takes place the 15th of every month for the next unforeseeable future. The process is paying my student loans back. It's a slow and dirty dance my bank account and I share, and he's always stepping on the toes of my thrift store heels.
I currently have student loans in varying amounts from 4 separate lenders for the total price tag of (drum roll please) $120,000,00. Now as we all know it didn't start out with that high of a price tag. I took out loans to the tune of $88,000, 5 years ago when I was just about 20 years old. The rest is accrued interest. I made a conscious decision to attend the school of my dreams without realizing the consequences of that very expensive decision. I grew up in an upper middle class family with fiscally conservative parents who follow the Suzie Orman mantra, “ never go into debt for your children.” Apparently that also meant not talking to them about what debt really means. I respected my parents choice to not help me fund my education because at 20 years old, $88,000 that I didn't need to pay back for years seemed almost unreal. Additionally, when I applied for my loans back in 2005 everyone told me that I could consolidate for a lower interest rate once I graduated. I didn't realize that federal loan consolidation was what they meant, (hell I didn't even know what interest rates really were!) because I had mostly private loans from the soul sucking, outsourcing, monster that sleeps under your kids beds giving them nightmares... corporate giant Sallie Mae. Sallie Mae is like the Godzilla of the American higher educational system (or lack there of).
When I graduated from said dream school in 2007 the economy was on a downward spiral to the welfare line. Unemployment rates were through the roof and most lenders put a hold on their consolidation offers, even the federal ones. Everyone was looking for a change, but I just wanted a job to support myself so that I didn't have to move back home and listen to my mother remind me with that ' know it all' tone that I had put myself in this situation. I took the first opportunity I could get making only $25,000 a year. I ignored the fact that I had a 6 month grace period, and neglected to look at the state of my loans. I used my salary to pay my rent and to pay off the credit card debt I had incurred during college. I also ignored the fact that taking the first job I could get meant that I wasn't going into the field I went into debt to study.
After I paid off and closed all of my credit cards I finally sat down to work out my loan situation. I was nauseated by what was in front of me. That $88,000 was no longer just that amount, it was $88,000 with varying interest rates applied. One interest rate for 9.75% one for 9.25%, 6.25%, and 7.9%, and lastly the largest loan I had taken out at 10.75%. My loan went from a high cost but not totally unreasonable undergraduate degree program to the price of an organ transplant operation. I took a long hard look into my future and ran to the kitchen sink to throw up my lunch, and finally rip the veil off of my eyes. I was in trouble, and in trouble for the next 30 years of my life.
It's been three years since that day and I have come to terms with the fact that my loan payments (which I am currently paying only interest) total up to $822 per month. There are a few 15ths of the month here and there where I have a panic attack thinking about how I am going to manage to pay for food until the net pay period, or what happens if I get hurt or sick and can't work. I think about never owning my own home, and never being able to travel to the different countries I've always wanted to visit, or even being able to visit my friends who live in another state. Mostly during these moments of panic I get really angry at Sallie Mae whom I consider criminal. I never had anyone teach me about the consequences of student loan debt. They never warned me of the risks, they never did anything. If you are going to give a 20 year old $50,000 the least you can do is warn them about their decision, and maybe not charge them 10% interest on their education.
This is my life, those were my choices, and these are my consequence. The funny thing is that because I have been so concerned with paying back my education I never got to pursue a career in my field; the field that lead me to my dream school, which lead me to today...the 15th on the month.
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