The unemployment chronicles part 9: How to find a 'job' in between 'jobs'

Dear readers,

First I'd like to send congratulations to my friend Nikki Ervin on her new job. She is evaluating an NGO project in the Mwingi district of Kenya, in a town called Town called kyuso. She baths in a dirty well and doesn't have clean water to brush her teeth, but she says the pay is awesome! Nikki also tells me that the country is still in a terrible famine where people are visibly hungry. Nikki gets fed through the food aid that is brought over from Ugali and also eats local greens. She informs me that she pees in a hole in the ground, and is still mastering the balancing technique of peeing in said hole (because she often pees on her feet). Nikki would also 'strangle a small child for a pedicure and a hot shower'; but in her own words, "when I'm able to do something to empower someone, no matter how marginal, the feeling is something I cant describe." Once again let's give Nikki a round of applause for improving her aim, and for doing some real good in the world!!!!!!!!! Donations Welcome. Literally 1 dollar will buy food to feed a child for two weeks.

Fun new language facts:

1. 'Sawa-Sawa' is a Kiswali word meaning “all right,”' or "good."


2. "Asante sana" means "thanks" in Swahili.


3. "Poa" means "cool" in Swahili.


4. " Kidogo" means " little bit" in Swahili.


5. "Nya maza" means " keep quiet" in Swahili.

Asante sana Nikki!!!!!!!!!!

On the home front here in Gaithersburg Maryland; where I get my food delivered by PeaPod online grocery shopping...life has been moving along quickly this week. I don't have a full-time job yet, but I did score an awesome internship opportunity planning a conference in Boston at the end of April. It's a decent stipend, plus an all expenses paid week long trip to Boston. I will be working for that internship two days a week and then temping 3 days a week starting Monday. So I may not have a 'career,' yet, but I do have an awesome opportunity, and a way to make some monies until the end of April.

For all you Massholes out there, make sure and let me know if you will be around April 18th-24th. I would love to see you!

Now I'd like to introduce a new segment I'd like to call "Your head-hunter and you. How to use your head-hunter to your best advantage."

Over the past few months I have sought the help of three separate employment agencies, (my go big or go home philosophy) and have definitely picked up a few tips I'd like to share with you.

1. Make sure to get a head hunter recommendation from a friend. This is good because not only do you have a reference right off the bat, but when you find a random employment agency online you run the risk of being screwed out of time, money, dignity, money, opportunities, money, money, and lastly money.


2. Study up on your online skills. This means going through Microsoft Office and refreshing your memory on all the basics. Some agencies have testing that allows you to make several mistakes before submitting a final answer, and some don't give you more than one wrong click before it moves on leaving you confused and in the dust...off ( get it...nudge nudge).


3. Study up on your basic grammar and spelling. I know you laugh, because by 22 you know everything about grammar and spelling right? Wrong! You will be amazed at the stupid little nuances we spell check away on a daily basis. Examples: Principle/Principal, Mispell/Misspell, and my personal favorite Maintenance/Maintanance. Also I had to stare at the wall for 10 minutes before remembering what the fuck Synonyms and Antonyms are.


4. Basic math. Seriously guys, when was the last time you did fractions at all, especially by hand. My paper looked like a 5th graders math test. It was embarrassing.


5. Be prepared to be interviewed by 3-7 people. These agencies ( at least the good ones) like to have their entire office involved in your recruitment process. This gives more people the ability to find a job that is perfect for you and your skill set. This can get daunting, and nauseating at times ( especially when in a two hour period you have 7 difference people shaking your hand and asking for your life story). My advice, take an advil before you head in.


6. Lastly, remember these people get paid when they get you a job so help them help you. Show up on time for your interviews, and iron your clothes fool.

I hope these tips help. If you are in the D.C. area and would like a few good agencies to get in touch with let me know.

Also here is a great article if you are unemployed (or preparing to be). It's a list of the 10 best sites for the unemployed including cheap eats, job sites, and tips for how to make money when you are broke.

Here is the unemployment story of the day. She hasn't given me permission to use her name so I'm leaving it out for the time being. Enjoy!

I don't know you. But I am a friend of ------- and I stumbled upon the note you tagged her in on unemployment. I did get a laugh and can totally relate! I want to say thanks for posting it! I got laid- off at the end of Oct. after working 10 years on Capitol Hill...I go through the same kind of schedule of job websites, even craigslist, drink and repeat...and I went through a period of trying to figure out where I went wrong and how this happened to me too...then realize its not me, its the economy or the stupid ass office I worked at that had problems and had to let me go. Anyway, thanks for posting! it rocked !Hope to meet you someday! Good luck with the job search!

One more thang...in the next month or show I will hopefully have a website up and running for "The Unemployment Chronicles." I will keep you updated.

Have a good evening guys!!!!!!!

The unemployment chronicles part 8: Everyday is Saturday when you are unemployed!

Dear readers,

First and foremost I'd like to congratulate my friend Ariel who is no longer unemployed! She has gotten an awesome position as an RN on the surgical floor at Maimondies Medical Center in Brooklyn New York. Let's give her a round of applause!!!!!!!!!! Congratulations girl!!!

It is Sunday and 75 degrees here in Gaithersburg M.D. It's fucking beautiful. I've had a pretty laid back weekend. Friday night I saw The Watchmen with Alex, and I thought it was amazing! Honestly, one of the best movies I've seen this year, and most certainly the peak of comic book films to date (this my personal opinion). It's more along the lines of a Dark Knight film than Spider-Man ( less camp more dark dialogue and gore). If you are on the fence about this film read this review written by my good friend Paul AKA Nomad who is an editor for Action Figure.com and a writer for Dread Central; which is an awesome site for all things horror, including reviews, interviews, and contests. This is not a movie you should take your kids too. After a graphic and lengthy sex scene involving our hero and heroine, a few people made a beeline for the door in order to shield their young kids eyes from the gratuitous titties on screen ( funny for me...not so funny for those parents). I bet in the next week someone is going to have to give the "where do babies come from?" speech.

Yesterday and today have been 'cleaning'' days. I've had a pile of laundry that's been staring at me in the face for the past week or two. I've taken to wearing bikini bottoms instead of actually washing my clothes ( that's how much I hate fucking laundry), but it's getting done, it's getting done ( mostly because Alex got up this morning and the first thing he said was, " we need to do laundry.") I can't argue with a man who knows what he wants. I tried to bargain my way out of helping him fold clothes by offering to pick-up lunch, but he wasn't having any of that. So after the dryer shuts off in 10 minutes ( yes I'm counting down) I will be folding against my will; and believe me if you have ever lived with me I am fucking terrible at folding clothing. I feel like I'm missing that feminine gene that makes organizing my clothing, and folding my laundry neatly, possible. I have four piles in my closet, clean, clean-ish, dirty, and incinerate immediately.

Also as promised...here is a an unemployment story written by Tammy Brown in Manalapan N.J. The title is " Unemployment is getting sadly boring." You can friend her on facebook if you want to read more of her notes.

so i was bored and decided to make a rant.....trust me i need to vent badly. this is just the start of it

so for the past few months i have pretty much have had the same routine:
~ wake up sometime between 10am and noon (i tend to aim for 11, but no guarantees)
~ check email is some slim hopes of getting an email back from someone asking for more information about me
~ wait for the b/f to get his computer going and then attempt to find some food. we can never decide between breakfast or lunch
~ eat whatever creation we have made and watch some tv together while eating
~ then i search monster, career builder and some other sites in hopes of finding some jobs to apply to, only to get rejected but hey i have to try anyways.
~ after that, its do some work for my online class. normally just making a post in the forums
~ by now its sometime around 2ish i guess, so on to spending the rest of my night playing world of warcraft
~ if its a fri and i have money (yay unemployment) i play poker. if its thurs night, i go bowling. the past few monday nights the swaggers play roller hockey and i get to go yell at them for being idiots lol
~sometime between 1 and 3am we go to bed. but the past few weeks we've been watching an episode or 2 of "that 70's show" since we got the whole collection on dvd before we pass out and just repeat everything the next day
most of my friends are in the same boat, well maybe not unemployed, but funds arent the greatest so going out and getting out of the house isnt a number 1 priority cause it costs money to do anything

i refuse to go back to six flags on account they treat you like shit and refuse to give you decent time off. im sorry i dont want to spend every waking hour there. but when i work from 9am-2am....i want 2 fucking days off and not to work 4 dbls a week. oh and when i put in a TOR for a friends college graduation party...i want to go. so don't approve it and then fucking deny it. i missed a lot of family and friend functions last summer cause i had to spend my life at the park. and then i hurt my foot cause i worked to much and then all of a sudden, no one wanted me to work at all. i couldn't claim disability cause there are "sitting positions available" but yet i couldn't get hours. so then i fell behind on my bills. thank you so much six flags, i worked there for 9 years....but last year was the worse year ever. my first 3 years are the ones i will always remember, because i made some great friends who i actually still talk to today.

so the hunt for an engineering job sucks. and i am starting to loose hope of ever getting a job. being a girl doesnt mean shit. companies want people with years of experience, yet they post these job opening under entry level positions and ask you why u applied to such a job with the little experience you have. why post under entry level and not put the amount of experience you really want? companies confuse me so much.

that is my rant for now. i am going to bed. hoping for maybe a chance of waking up to hear someone at least wants to give me an interview....that would at least raise my hopes.


Thanks for sharing Tammy!!!

P.S.- I found out that I can enter my guinea pigs in 'Cavy Shows' http://acbaonline.com/ Man people out there are fucking strange....

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday guys!

The unemployment chronicles part 7: I need your voices and your help.

Happy Hour dear readers!!!!

On the 'fo' real tip.' Over the past few days my blogs have garnered a lot of support from friends, friends of friends, and strangers. Apparently my comedic chronicles have given people something to relate to. For all the comments and messages I have received thank you so much *hug.* Writing these chronicles has given me something to look forward to... so I have decided to take it one step further....I may have something in the pipeline although far to early to talk about, but for now I need your voices and your help.

It has come to my attention ( from my mother of course) that posting my chronicles may prevent me from getting a job. She 'voiced,' (by voiced I mean nagged. If you have a Jewish mother you know the drill. " You never call. Are you eating enough? How is your gentile boyfriend doing?") her concerns after running into an old friend of mine from dirty jersey. This old friend mentioned that he has been keeping up with my notes, and enjoying them. Instead of feeling proud that I am making people laugh, she reminded me that employers can check my facebook.
Although my profile is private to all but my friends, there is a chance that a prospective employer may read my chronicles. To be honest, I feel what I am doing here is important in strange way. It's not just important to me, but it is important to those that read it and feel they are not alone; because you are not alone. So if an employer somehow ( through the grace of stalking tactics, espionage, or that they know a friend of a friend...sorry I've been watching a lot of Burn Notice. It makes me feel espionage-y) managed to read what I have to say and decides not to hire me based on my candid facebook side, then they are not an employer I want to work for. More importantly, this reminder has given me the urge to reach out to those who find what I'm doing to be helpful. Here's where I need your help

A lot of you are unemployed, under employed, or simply hate their jobs, and I want your stories. You can send me your unemployment horror stories, your current job horror stories, your tips on how to stay cool at work or on your couch, or your struggles paying off your student loans. Whatever your message is that you want others to hear, send it my way. E-mail it to me confessions13@gmail.com. It doesn't have to be long, and it doesn't have to be funny, it just has to be you. I will post them as they come in. Either on facebook or on my blog site. You can tell me to leave your name anonymous, and you can alter your company name if need be. You deserve to be heard, and so do your friends. If you know someone who could use a little encouragement send my note their way. I want to hear from them as well.

This doesn't mean you will not still see posts from me. Every time something funny happens in my unemployed life, you guys will be the first to know.

Also if you want someone to talk to I am always around for a friend, a friend of a friend, or a stranger.

I hope you guys are having a great evening. I know I am preparing myself for Burn Notice's season finale, tonight 10pm on USA. http://www.usanetwork.com/series/burnnotice/ This show is fucking awesome. If you watch it, you are also fucking awesome. Fiona may need to eat a sandwich, but she is still hot sauce.

Also, I had dinner with my bestie Claire this evening and this is a conversation I found entertaining. After seeing a girl waiting for the bus on Wisconsin ave. casually dressed, with a suitcase, smoking a cigarette, wearing too much makeup ( even doing a drive by girls notice EVERYTHING), about a block away from a strip club this conversation follows...

Claire- See that girl...she's a stripper.
Me- How do you know that?
Claire- You can always tell who they are because they have suitcases and they're taking the bus.
Me- Ouch
Claire- Well it's true! And i don't know how the fuck she needs that much space when her clothes are <> this small and she could fit them in my purse.
Me- But her shoes are < >this big and I can't even fit in my trunk.
Claire- Ouch
Me- Well it's true!

and it is Claire...it really is.

Good night!

P.S.- I reached my tag limit so pass it on!

P.P.S.- Jared do not show this to mom please!

The unemployment chronicles part 6: Movies about work that will lift your spirits (if coffee isn't your thang ;)

Hey readers,


As we all know the best way to lift or at the very least distract your spirits from your current situation is to kick back and watch a good movie. Here are a list of movies that I watch when I start to feel the pangs of unemployment.

1- First and foremost Office Space ! This is the best movie about hating your job that exists in my personal opinion. If you haven't seen this movie there is something wrong with you. Fix it. Basic plot, "Comedic tale of company workers who hate their jobs and decide to rebel against their greedy boss." Simply in theory beautiful in creation.

2- Summer School ! made circa 1987 and staring the very alluring Mark Harmon and kirstie Alley ( when she was skinny before she got fat before she got skinny again). Basic plot "A high-school gym teacher has big plans for the summer, but is forced to cancel them to teach a "bonehead" English class for misfit goof-off students..." The best part of this film is This Clip I know this movie isn't technically about unemployment, but it isn't about being a slacker. Whatever it's fucking funny.

3- Working Girl is the classic Cinderella story of a secretary's. When her idea is stolen by her boss, she seizes an opportunity to steal it back by pretending she has her boss's job. Working girl stars Melanie Griffith, Harrison Ford, and Sigorney Weaver well before their skin starting looking like alligator hand bags. Best part of this movie is The Hair

4- Slums of Beverly Hills is about a girl named Vivian whose "family are penniless nomads, moving from one cheap flat to another in Beverly Hills so she and her brothers can attend the city's schools. Uncle Mickey sends them money to survive. When Mickey's daughter Rita runs away from an asylum, Vivian's dad offers shelter to her if Mickey will pay for a plush flat. Vivian must babysit her adult cousin, making sure she gets to nursing school and avoids pills and booze. But Vivian has her own problems: she's curious about sex, likes an older neighbor kid, has inherited her mother's ample breasts, and wants a family that doesn't embarrass her." This movie is hilarious. The best part is a very uncomfortable dinner seen where Vivian gets her period all over her fathers new girlfriends antique furniture.

5- Half Baked The age old story of "three not so bright men who come up with a series of crazy schemes to get a friend out of jail." Main scheme being drugs drugs and more drugs. Best part of Half Baked is This scene .


6- Clerks and Clerks 2 . Dante and Randall's shenanigans always give me a good chuckle. My favorite Scene are Here and Here .




I know it's only 6, but we all need a jumping off point. I hope you enjoy!!!!!!!


Also in relation to the photo watch this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ToNZHG5KHw

The unemployment chronicles part 5: I've been on hold with D.C. unemployment for 2 hours....

As I write this note I have been on hold with the D.C. unemployment office for 2 hours. The majority of that time has been either listening to really intense classical music, ( like the kind you hear on Zales commercials. Zales has luckily went belly up recently) or being given a list of menu options to choose from that reads like a Goosebumps choose your own ending book. Once you choose an option, you may choose another option, and another option, and another option when all you want to do is speak to a fucking person.
The reason I am on the line with D.C. unemployment is that I filed a claim back in September when I was laid off from my totally awesome after college job. I wound up closing the claim before collecting any money because I decided it would be worth it to try the retail position ( fucking stupid on my part). Anyway I tried to file a claim with Maryland since that is where I live now, but they tell me I still have a claim with D.C. that has money on it. So I need to collect all my benefits from D.C. before re-applying in M.D. which doesn't make any fucking sense to me since I am no longer a D.C. resident, but money is money no matter what state I get it from.
Anyway, I tried to get through to the D.C. unemployment office for an hr, but constantly got a busy signal. I looked online and the number I had for the office was correct so I kept trying. I finally got through only to be put through a series of press 1- if you want directions to our office, press 2- if you want information on I-9 forms, press 3- if you want to scrape out your eyes with a rusty spoon...you get the picture. When I finally got to press number 8 on the 3rd menu I got to, the option that says ' if you want to speak to a representative,' I was put on hold to listen to the same fucking song for the past hour....

WAIT WAIT I GOT THROUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!! SWEET NECTAR OF THE GODS....PEACE OUT GUYS

Dear readers,

Thank you to all of you whom have shown their support for my chronicles. If you keep enjoying them I will keep writing them.

In the wonderful words of Rodney Dangerfield in Ladybugs, ( oh yes I'm about pull out a Rodney Dangerfield reference from 1992. If you haven't seen this gem of a B movie, rent it immediately. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104670/).

" My name is Chester, I'm great, I'm wonderful! Everybody likes me!"

This quick and painless affirmation is good in theory, but it's hard not to feel that if everybody liked you, you'd have a fucking job. Right? Right.
The goal is not to have everybody like you,
*deep breath*
( because even if you are a well liked person, some Hateraid sippers will dislike you simply for being so well liked. The reason being that some people are jealous and insecure of the light that shines from your awesomeness, and how this light reflects their plastic surgery scars. Don't worry you can get an education on how to spot these harpies by watching the Rock of Love bus every Sunday night on Vh1 at 9pm. It is also on my 'things i do to stay positive list' ).
*exhale*
but to have the people who interview you like you. Everyone else can choke on a dick ( and some of them make a job out of that).

In order to have the appearance of positivity on your interviews, and in your personal life; you need to do some maintenance on your self esteem. Here are some of the ways I stay positive when my resume is getting negative reviews.

1- I watch the parade of skanks on the Rock of Love bus, For the Love of Ray J, and Tool Academy makes drunken asses of themselves on cable television. Not only do these hot messes make me feel really intelligent, but they also remind me to get the HPV vaccine ( and taking care of your body is not only important, but vital to self esteem). Sometimes I'm worried I'm going to catch something from the remote control just by turning on VH1.

2- I sing in my car...loudly. And if you happen to look at me mid-balled as you drive by, I will sing to you...also loudly.

3- I listen to shitty dance music from the 1980's http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2sjAnu_5ek If this doesn't give your mood a face life nothing will.

4- I read Perez Hilton, because it reminds me that money doesn't make you happy, or sane, or talented, or relevant.

5- I play with my guinea pigs. Well, not really play. The pigs only have two emotions, scared and hungry; but they are adorable.


6- I remember that it's not my fault I don't have a job, it's the economies fault. The economy is on my shit list; right next to candles that have scents that don't exist, and that boob flexer I see advertised at 2am.


I hope these tips help, or at least bring a smile to your face. Have a good night friends!

The unemployment chronicles part 3: an open letter to the creepy foreign guy who interrupted my interview.

Hello readers,

So as I mentioned yesterday I had an interview today for a temp position organizing the cervical cancer walk in D.C.. The woman who I met with today told me to come dressed casually as she would be in jeans. We were meeting at a Starbucks near Dupont Circle in D.C. Although she told me to dress casually I decided to pull out my elusive 'street' gear. You know, the kind of outfit that makes me seem laid back like I'm totally comfortable in any situation, but cool like I shop at over priced consignment shops, listen to death cab for cutie exclusively, and drink non-fat lattes from organic recycled cups. My outfit was topped off with the piece de resistance, my trendy Strand Tote Bag which I ordered online ( If you live in near NYC you know the store, if not http://www.strandbooks.com/).
Anyway I drove into the city because today was cold and rainy. This was a bad idea. If you live in D.C. you know the city is designed like a maze for a giant rat...the catch is that there is no fucking cheese in this laboratory maze of a city. What D.C. does have are lots of one way streets, miserly cab drivers, and.... you guessed it! A fucking Starbucks on every corner. The Starbucks we were meeting at was at 1500 P street. I should have known there are 7 Starbucks on P street; all of which are located within 5 miles of each other. I found what I considered to be an awesome, too good to be true, parking spot in front of what I thought was the correct Starbucks....I was wrong, and it was too good to be true. I wound up having to power walk 1 mile to the correct Starbucks. Why did I walk instead of drive to the next Starbucks you ask? Three reasons.

1- I found a parking spot in Dupont Circle at all.

2- I started walking to the correct Starbucks, and before I realized how far away it was from my parking spot, I was too dedicated to the walk to return to my car ( believe me I analyzed the situation for at least a minute before trekking on).

3- I have decided to avoid the gym for the next few days and figured this was good exercise.

Once I arrive at the correct location, I go in and order a Venti coffee with room for milk ( my standard). I give my interviewer a call to see where she is located. She tell me she is parking across the street, and I am instantly jealous of her parking situation. I'm informed she is wearing a hounds tooth coat, and I instantly like her because I like hounds tooth ( I'm fickle). There was no room at the any of the tables inside, so I headed outside and found a table that was recently freed up....so I jumped on it. It may have been cold, but I had just power walked a mile and the cold was now a york peppermint patty of awesomeness.
She arrived and we shook hands (very standard). after running inside to grab a drink we began chatting. We exchanged pleasantries at first, but it quickly turned into business. She asks me about my past experience, and I answer obligingly ( because I love talking about myself). I feel like I am kicking ass and we are getting along great. Halfway through my tales of retail terror a man sitting at a table (close enough to hear our conversation, but far enough away that we didn't really notice him) interrupts. This is where my interview gets interesting.
Now this man was obviously foreign. I say he was obviously foreign because even if he didn't speak in broken English, ( Really Really broken like a jigsaw puzzle that had been left in the hands of a bunch of monkeys on acid kind of broken) he was wearing a line green button down polyester shirt with a leather vest. That's right ladies and gentlemen, a leather vest ( did I wake up this morning in 1985?). Not to mention he was about 40.
He says excuse me and we both turn to look at him. He begins to apologize the best he can in his broken English and says that he is from Turkey, doesn't speak much English ( NO REALLY?!) and will only be in town till Monday.

This is where it gets fun.

He says that I am very beautiful, and that he would like to take me out to dinner tomorrow night.

I am getting hit on during a fucking job interview.

I look at the woman who is interviewing me and she is dying. I tried to politely thank him for his compliment, and apologize for not being available for dinner because I am currently in a relationship. Lucky for me his English is so bad that he didn't understand the relationship comment, and continued to try and persuade me to have dinner. I look at the interviewer again and say " I'm going to be honest here. I don't know how to handle this situation without looking really bad." She steps in and points to the ring finger on her left hand and says like she's talking to a 5 year old "taken." He understood that comment, but felt the need to clarify. He asked," You have boyfriend?" I answer, " Yes. Yes I do." However, I answer with an inflection in my voice that says ' I'm in a very very serious relationship. cancer serious.' ( no pun intended). He says I'm beautiful yet again and apologizes about 5 more times before he gets up and leaves.
The woman and I start cracking up. From that point on the interview went smoothly. We talked for an hour about everything from her 13 year old son stealing his fathers porn, ( she mentioned this after I told her the gym story) to how fat Ice T's wife's ass is. Even if I don't get the job, I at least have an awesome interview story to tell.

Hope you are all having a great weekend!!!!!!!!!!

The unemployment chronicles part 2

So as I mentioned yesterday I go to the gym in my apt complex because working out helps me detox.
To start this story I will briefly describe the gym. It's fucking small . There are three treadmills, one exercise bike, three elliptical machines, a weight bench with a weight rack next to it, and a giant wall long mirror that makes the gym look twice its size ( great marketing ploy for the apt complex, because when you pass by the gym quickly it looks enormous). On a side note the gym generally smells like potatoes, but it's free.
Well, the past three days no matter what time I show up at the gym this man and his two sons are there 'working' out. I suppose this man brings his kids to either babysit them or to set a good example; however while hes working out these two boys maybe aged 11 and 13 are running around, spending maybe three minutes on each machine before getting bored and moving on. I assume this happens until I arrive at which point the boys station themselves on the elliptical machines which are facing the back of the treadmill. Fucking great.
Now I'm fine with sharing this tiny gym with others, ( even though I prefer to have the room to myself so I can dance like a fool on the treadmill and watch VH1 on the plasma t.v.) and I'm even fine with energetic kids being there, but what I am not fine with ( although apparently I am fine ) is while I'm trying to get my sweat on, maybe listening to the fall out boy radio on Pandora ( because listening to pop-punk is like taking amphetamines) is seeing these two boys staring at my ass like I have the imagine of Jesus miraculously chiseled into my yoga pants. Now it's cool if you want to take a quick peak at what I'm packing here or there, but staring at the goods is not only rude, but fucking stupid considering there is a WALL LENGTH MIRROR THAT REFLECTS THE WHOLE ROOM. Now, I can empathize with the boys because obviously their father didn't teach them how to check out a girls cheeks properly. I feel comfortable blaming this behavior on their father because while his kids were staring at me from behind, he was making a show out out his weight lifting attempts in front of me.
Now ladies...I know we find nothing sexier then a middle aged man sweating and grunting on a work-out bench, but the creepy icing on this carrot cake of a situation ( I say carrot cake because it's disgusting. I don't know anyone who likes carrot cake) is that he'd smile and wink at me after each set.
The best part of this sorry excuse for sexual harassment is that I dropped my ipod on the treadmill (which happens occasionally when you're trying to switch songs mid-walk) and all three of them dropped what they were doing instantly to fetch it for me. This would have been sweet, but all the commotion caused me to loose my balance and fall off the treadmill flat on my ass ( oh the irony). Who said chivalry was dead!

So unemployment is still going strong two weeks and counting WOOT WOOT! I applied for unemployment today, and I hope I get something, because my bank account is starting to act jealous...like I'm cheating with another bank.
I do have an interview tomorrow for a temp position so wish me some luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!

The unemployment chronicles par 1

For all of my hard working hommies out there who are out of work,
worried about being out of work, or simply want to choke their jobs in
unconsciousness...this ones for you.


So after being shit canned from an amazing yet VERY underpaid job in
September, I have struggled to find the happy medium between finding a
job, finding a career ( which are apparently two very different
things), and finding a way to make some monies while looking for the
former. What I have found thus far is an unhappy medium. The kind of
medium where people tell me, " at least you have your health even if
you don't have health insurance."
About one week after loosing my amazing yet VERY VERY underpaid job, I
got hired onto be the assistant manager for a high end retail store in
the bougieist area of D.C. I had almost NO retail experience, except
for a few stints in high school all of which I was fired. There was
Brookstone for which I was fired for making out with a security guard
and getting caught on tape; and Pier One which I was fired from
because I would hide in the stockroom in order to avoid organizing and
re-organizing the pillow shelf ( on a side note every time I go into a
Pier One now I go out of my way to fuck up the pillow shelf, because
I'm still bitter). Then there was Bed Bath and Beyond, where I
actually quit because they put me in the area rugs soaked in
formaldehyde section. I quit because they refused to move me from this
section after I repetitively complained about the rashes I was getting
on my arms from their embalmed rugs.
So I had a total of 1 year worth of retail experience from 6 years
prior which isn't much, but what I did have was a friend who was the
manager of the store, who wanted someone fun to work full time. I
thought, " Fuck yea I'm fun, fuck yea I need money, and fuck yea I'll
be there maybe a month until I find something better." Well that
shitty stores response to my fuck ya's was ' FUCK NO." I wound up
staying with the shitty, employee hating, corporate mother fuckers for
nearly 6 months. That's right 6 months of sweeping, wrapping, dusting,
re-re-re-re-organizing, and eating vegetarian shit from the obnoxious
clientele of this particular chain of over priced bath products. As a
protest I use Suave exclusively.
Around December they hired a new area manager. She was to put it
lightly, a fire breathing, commie, hypocritical, mindless, bitch; who
I swear only kept me on as long as she did because her fat ass could
not fit into the window area to change displays. My manager left on
disability because the company forced her into a nervous breakdown.
I took the new area managers bullshit for almost two months after my
original awesome manager left, because I needed the cash. Here's the
list of reasons I left my grave of a job.

1- fire breather accused me of stealing from the deposits twice. First
of all, if you know me at all, you know that I grew up in a
middle-upper class household where the idea of stealing never came up
because I could and can ask 'bank daddy,' for cash whenever I'm short.

2- She put me in the windowless stockroom to organize and dust for 8
hours. I'm allergic to dust about the same amount as I am allergic to
embalmed rugs. I would come home with hives. Hives are not terribly
sexy.

3- She hired on new employees for me to train without telling me.
These newbies would come in asking to be trained, only to be greeted
with " who the fuck are you?" as a response.

4- She cut my hours.

5- She told me I could no longer have weekends off. FUCK THAT NOISE.

6- She asked me if I was still in school around the area. I guess she
didn't take the time to look at my resume, because if she did she
would see that I was a college graduate with a degree from a top tier
university with enough experience at 24 to put her 36 year old- with 3
kids that are all in high school already, I used to manage a fucking
Gap- ass to shame.

7- She had me clean up a dead rat.....and that my friends was all she wrote.

After number 7 I told her to shove it politely with my 2 weeks notice.
I tried to be respectful up until the end; however on my last day she
accused me and a co-worker of stealing again, so I clocked out early
telling her that the idea of working with her one more minute gave me
more hives then the dusty stock room. My conclusion is that she is
really just a pile of dust.

So here I am two weeks later and very much unemployed with 200 dollars
in my bank account. I don't need to tell you that unemployment fucking
sucks, so I try to give myself a routine to keep myself from going
crazy and it goes as follows.

10am - I wake up and check my phone hoping that the resume and cover
letter avalanche I sent out the night before warranted at least one
response.

10:10- I make breakfast for myself, because it is the most important
meal of the day.

10:20- I do about 15 minutes of Yoga because I think it helps my
spirit or whatever that means.

10:45- I finish off my fourth cup of coffee because my spirit needs
caffeine to concentrate.

10:35- I e-mail my head hunter AGAIN hoping that he has found an
interview for me....most of the time he has not. This does not stop me
from e-mailing him daily. To make it fun for him I include a comic
strip in my note so at least he can look forward to something funny
along with my pestering.

11:00- I look on linkedin for about an hour and apply for at least 3 jobs

noon- I look on career builder for about an hour and apply for at least 3 jobs.

1- I look on monster.com for 10 minutes before I remember how much
monster.com sucks.

1:15- I run errands.

2- I work out because I need to detox early in the day from the amount
of beer I drink later on in my time line.

3- I search on craiglist for about an hour and apply to at least 5 jobs.

4- I put up my own ads for babysitting, dog walking,and tutoring.
Pretty much anything to make some extra cash.

4:30- I take a shower.

5- This is about the time I start drinking.

6- still drinking.

7- check out indeed.com for about an hour and apply for at least 3 jobs.

8- I drink some more, and make dinner.

9- I'm generally drunk by this point. I eat dinner and chill out with
my boyfriend who tries to catch up.

10- I start to contemplate life, and where I went wrong.

10:01- I get over my pity party because 10pm is when the best
television shows are on.

1- I do one last browse on craigslist to see if I missed anything.

1:30-2:30- I pass out.

Rinse and repeat.